I Fear Your Closed Eyes
by CileSuns92
Summary: What if Derek went to Afghanistan for three months, leaving Meredith alone in Seattle? It's an AU three-shot. It will be short and different from everything I have ever written. COMPLETE.
1. Start A War

**Okay, new story.**

**I have enough going on, but this is different fro the others. It's a three-shot, AU and it will unwrap quickly. I won't make you wait, I just decided to publish it. SweetLala92 had read it -and loved it- so I decided to go ahead and publish it.**

**It's not an usual story, I know, it brings Derek in Afghanistan as a doctor for the Red Cross and Meredith in Seattle, dealing with his absence. It will be sad and happy at the same time, I also hope it won't offend people who realy have relatives in war zones and such. I luckily don't have this kind of experience, but I just guessed what it could feel like.**

**The title for this fiction comes from Wakey!Wakey!'s song War Sweater while Start A War is a song by The National. You can either ignore my musical suggestion or embrace it, feel free.**

**This chapter will probably explain better many more things so well, enjoy it! **

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><p><strong>Start A War<strong>

"_I'm staying home. If you want, I'm gonna stay"_

Derek's words sounded prophetical right about now.

It was a typical Seattle day, an overcast sky welcoming an early morning in May. My mother's house was empty. Completely and utterly empty. All my roommates were already at the hospital or they have never left it yet and somehow, I wished for somebody to be there with me and share the silence. The dim morning light stretched on the floor of the bathroom and created a line that divided the room in two halves. I sat with my back leaning against the bathtub, slumped in an uncomfortable position.

I closed my eyes and all I could think about was Derek.

His perfectly styled hair, his deep blue, comforting eyes twinkling happily while he smiled, his lame jokes and his musky, very reassuring smell. Just Derek.

I took a deep breath, fighting my tears.

"_I'm gonna stay home"_

The bathtub was cold against my back, but I couldn't care less. The air was still moist from the quick shower that I had taken before going to bed after my night shift but I couldn't shake away a feeling.

"_I'm gonna stay home"_

I didn't know if I should have began to pray as soon as he decided to join his sister for the whole summer in Afghanistan or maybe I should have begged him to stay home. The thing is that at the moment he was in Kandahar, helping people who lost their limbs because of mines or that were badly injured and risked a complete paralysis, while I was still in Seattle.

I was a selfish person, really freaking selfish, but I couldn't help but feel that way. His sister Amelia, _his little sister_, joined the Red Cross as soon as she finished her residency and took a sabbatical year in Afghanistan before she would decide if she wanted to come back or not. When she took the decision, Derek was there and he was alone, in the limbo between being cheated on by his wife and moving away, he was a shell of himself and he thought that probably being away for a while might help him gain perspective on his life.

That had been a little over a year ago, a few weeks before he moved to Seattle.

His mother was heartbroken, having two of her children moving away in a matter of weeks had a toll on her, but even if Derek wasn't really himself, he managed to call her at least three times a week, daily if he had a slow week at the hospital. Most importantly, he wasn't in a war zone like Amelia.

When his sister called him and told him how many people might need his help in Kandahar, he didn't thought twice about telling her that the following summer he will be joining her for three months and help her out.

Then he met me.

We were at Joe's. It was his second night in Seattle and the following day we were both due to start at Seattle Grace Hospital our new jobs. He, as the Head of the Neurosurgery department, me as a fist year resident, straight from Boston General, where I did my internship.

I remained there after attending Dartmouth before I had a call from my mother announcing that she had early onset Alzheimer and she was going in a home in Seattle. She told me that Seattle felt like home somehow and I knew it was because of Richard, her lover, and not at all because of Thatcher, my father, who left me when I was barely five.

I didn't knew Derek was going to be my boss and practically my mentor when I let him sit next to me and buy me a drink at Joe's bar the night before my first day. Then we went on until we were both too drunk to care and I dragged him home, like I used to do with every good looking guy I met at bars.

It had been an amazing night, until the following morning I remained trapped with him in a stairwell at Seattle Grace Hospital and I cursed my lack of judgment under the influence of tequila. I pushed him away for a few weeks, then I gave in at all his charm and we began dating. From that moment on, life had been amazing. Truly and utterly amazing.

Three months ago, his sister called him to remind him that he needed to inform the authorities about his trip to Kandahar and the floor slipped out under our feet.

"_I'm staying home, Mer"_

I didn't wanted to be selfish and I wanted him to follow his plans. We had been together for about a year, he didn't needed to shaken up his whole life for me. He had planned this and he was going to go. Except that I regretted not keeping him next to me from the moment he disappeared on the military plane at the airport.

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><p>"<em>Are you sure you are okay with this?" he asked for the umpteenth time, his eyes filling with tears.<em>

"_Derek, go help some kids walk again, okay?" I replied, my voice fighting sobs. _

_He pulled me closer to his chest and I smelled him one last time, breathing in his perfect musky scent an letting the tears fall freely._

"_I can still cancel everything" he locked his eyes with mine and I could see his own emotions displayed clearly in the blue pools. He didn't want to go either._

"_Go help Amelia, Derek" I nuzzled my face in his chest again, seeking his comfort one last time. I needed to wait three months and a half before I would feel those arms around me again and I just wanted to enjoy the feeling once more._

"_I'm gonna e-mail you as soon as I can and I promise that I'll call, okay?" he kissed my forehead softly and I just lifted up my gaze to meet his. I found his lips for a slow kiss, savoring each second, my tears running down my face untamed. When he pulled away, he had two lonely tears streaming down his cheeks as well but he forced a smile._

"_I love you, Meredith Grey, more than anything" he whispered softly_

"_I love you too Derek and I'm gonna miss you so badly in the next three months, two weeks and three days" he managed a wide, sincere smile while he wiped away his tears and chuckled deep and low, just like the way I was going to miss it._

_He kissed me again and I never wanted to let him go._

"_What if this is our last kiss, Derek?" I whispered, suddenly afraid of even breathing without him by my side._

"_It won't"_

"_How can you be so sure?" I chocked back a sob_

"_Because I'm not finished. I'm not finished loving you." he quoted a patient we had a few weeks before his departure "And I know it's soon, we barely met a year ago" he said, his smile growing wider each word he spoke before suddenly, he was kneeling in front of me, taking my left hand in his "Would you marry me, Meredith Grey?" he whispered, his emotions having the best of him._

_I blinked once, twice but he was still there, on one knee, a beautiful ring sparkling in the sun. _

"_Yes, because I'm not finished either" I replied, hugging him tightly as soon as he was up and the ring had been placed on my finger._

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><p>The ring was still in the same place, its weight comforting while Derek wasn't there to remind me that everything was going to be alright. He still had two months and three weeks there and I wished more than any other time that I could simply blink them away.<p>

I rolled the cold band on my finger slowly, my eyes still closed while I waited, sitting on the bathroom floor. Every single bone in my body was tired but I was still fighting sleep. It had been hard to sleep well since Derek went to Afghanistan.

My eyes darted for a second on the clock displayed on my phone, that laid on the floor in front of me, next to two white sticks. The countdown said one minute left.

My eyes closed again and I wished again for Derek's strong body next to me, instead of the chills from the bathtub.

I filled my lungs with air, then I breathed out, slowly, trying to calm myself down, Derek's soft, concerned voice whispering 'slow, deep breaths Mer' one more time.

He had been there when my mother said straight in my face that she wished that she had never had a daughter, when she thought I was one of her scrub nurses. He had comforted me and he whispered soothing words while I was sobbing in his arms. He had been there when I had seen my father for the first time after twenty years, supporting my whole weight while I was barely hanging on on my own after his complete indifference towards me. He had been there.

But right in that moment, when I probably needed him there the most, he was in Kandahar.

An unwanted, selfish tear slipped down my face and, as I opened my eyes to wipe it away, my phone began buzzing and on the two sticks next to it a pink line appeared.

I closed my eyes again and waited a few seconds, then I reopened them again, but the lines were still there. And I surely was still pregnant.

All the tears that I had been holding on began flooding down my face, like the dam that kept them away broke and I couldn't help but sobbing loudly, hiding my face in my hands.

Waves of different emotions hit me immediately as soon as I processed the news of the two sticks. First of all, fear assaulted me: fear of losing Derek, fear of the simple idea of being pregnant, fear of something wrong with the baby, fear of being a good mother. Then joy replaced the fear for a moment, because I created a new life with Derek and he was going to be a father. The temporary happiness though was kicked away by the possibility of never seeing Derek again and a whole lot of new, bad things formed in my mind.

I just remained on the floor a little more, crying and wishing, praying for Derek to come home safe and sound, praying a God that I probably never considered before. I think He was going to understand why I was praying someone with all that supposed power.

"Meredith?"

Izzie was standing at the open door, staring at me concerned. I had left it slightly open, knowing that nobody was home but completely forgetting that Izzie was probably going to be back around nine because she had reached her weekly amount of hours. I looked at her and I saw her frantically search around with her eyes to understand why I was breaking down on the bathroom floor.

"Meredith, what is it? Do you miss Derek? Did you go visit your mother?" she had witnessed my meltdown in Derek's arms as well and she was very wary every time I told her I was visiting my mother.

I shook my head, still unable to put on words what I just found out. It seemed so wrong to tell her instead of Derek.

"Meredith?" she called again

"I need to call Derek" I mumbled.

I stood up and left Izzie standing there concerned as I walked downstairs. I dialed the international number that he had carefully written right before he left and I traced his familiar handwriting with the tip of my finger while the phone began ringing.

"Hello?" a man with a strong afghan accent answered after four long rings

"It's Meredith Grey, I'm sorry to bother, I'd like to speak with Dr. Derek Shepherd" I managed to keep my voice calm and spell slowly the words

"Right away" the man replied and silence filled the receiver.

A few shuffles and noises later, his soft, calm voice greeted me "Hello?"

"Derek" I replied, almost breathless

"Meredith?" I could feel him smiling despite the eight-thousands miles between us. "How are you doing? God, I miss you so much!" he sighed happily

"I'm good, I just needed to hear you voice. I miss you too Derek, you can't believe how much" I fought back more tears

"Is everything all right?" his tone became slightly more concerned

"Yeah, I just came home from a night on-call and I wanted to hear your voice" I lied

"I love you Meredith"

"I love you too, Derek" I replied, my voice cracking

"Hey, are you crying?" it was unbelievable how he always knew when there was something bothering me.

"I'm just tired Derek. How are you doing?" I diverted his attention. It was easier when he couldn't see me.

"I just fixed the spine of a ten-year-old boy hit by a mine. There haven't been air raids in three days but people still continue to get hurt every day, we work practically non-stop. What about you?"

"There are bombs every day, Derek?" panic immediately filled my voice

"I'm safe here, I promised you a wedding, Meredith" he whispered, reassuring and sure of every letter he uttered

"I know, I'm sorry. You'd better keep your promise, okay?" I urged, the need to share my news with him suddenly swept away by concern.

"I've always been good at that" he answered cockily as always and I was able to smile a little. At this point though seemed almost cruel to blurt him the news that he was going to be a father and not even see his reaction.

"What's bothering you, Meredith?" he asked, as soon as he felt that I wasn't speaking anymore "I'm sure you didn't called just to spend a good amount of money..."

"I have a big surprise for you when you come back" I whispered, my hand going to rest on my stomach instinctively. And it didn't felt as wrong as I thought it might.

"Is this a hint to come home sooner?" he chuckled

_Yes_. "Just saying, Derek. Do your business there" I mumbled

"I miss you too, Meredith" his smiley tone growing a little more serious

"I'm okay, Derek, seriously, you don't have to worry" I tried to reassure him and me at the same time.

"Neither do you"

"I think I'm allowed to though"

"I can be worried for you too, right?" he joked and I was glad he lightened up the conversation a little.

"A bit probably, yeah" I sighed "Thank you for the trailer anyway" I hopped to a completely different conversation, following my train of thoughts. He had offered me the keys to his trailer, with the excuse to keep it clean but knowing that I would have needed a quiet place for myself as well. He knew me that well, already.

"How so?"

"I needed some perspective about something yesterday and I was glad for the quiet" I admitted. _It was there that I took the courage to buy a pregnancy test_.

"I miss that place, it's so sunny and dry here I'm going crazy sometimes" he chuckled

"Believe me, you'll have enough rain as soon as you'll get back" I smiled in response, even if I knew he couldn't see me.

"I can't wait, believe me"

"I can't wait for you to be home as well"

"Two more months, Mer" he sighed

"And three weeks" I added, a hint of a joke in it. I usually pointed out the weeks every time we talked.

"Look, I have patients to see now, we'll talk soon, okay?" he said, disappointed that our conversation had to be cut short.

"Don't do anything stupid in the mean time, I love you"

"I love you too, I wish I could kiss you right about now"

"Me too Derek. Bye!"

"Bye Mer"

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply as soon as the receiver on the other end clicked the end of the conversation and I wished I had been braver. It just seemed so cold and expressionless to tell him that we were having a baby while he was thousands miles away.

"You're pregnant!"

Izzie's high-pitched voice intruded again in my thoughts.

"Yes" I fought back tears as our eyes met.

She stared at me almost as if she could already see that I was pregnant "Have you told Derek?" her smile grew wider

"Not yet" I replied curtly with another sigh "I don't know how to tell him. It's just..."

"You don't want to tell him over the phone" she completed

"It sounds wrong, right? It's wrong, isn't it?"

"I'd wait to tell him as well, he'll be back soon"

"What if he won't?" I chocked on my question, sitting on the couch

"You don't have to think like that, Mere"

"I know, I just can't stop wondering if I'll ever see him again or hear his voice again, you know? This baby needs to have a father, I can't do this on my own" a tear escaped from the corner of my eyes "I want Derek" I whimpered like a tantrum.

Izzie was quick to grab my hand and squeeze it tightly "I know"

"I'm sorry, this is..."

"Mer, you will be fine" Izzie smiled and for a moment, I wanted to believe she was right.

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><p><strong>AN: It's sad and all, but trust me with this. <strong>

**I know it will be a short story, but I hope you'll like it anyway. **

**I will update soon, imagine this as a stretched one-shot, I practically wrote this whole story in one day. Anyway, you thoughts and feedback are really important to me, I hope you'll stick around for the next two chapters as well!**


	2. I've Been So Alone, You See

**First of all, I forgot the Disclaimer once again, so here it is, I don't own those characters, just the story.**

**This story had luckily a nice impact on you readers so I have to thank you all for the kind reviews, the alerts or simply reading. It means a lot to me to have a nice feedback!**

**Back to the story, this part two is entitled after Love Vigilantes, song by Iron & Wine. It's actually the song that moved me to write this three-shot. If you want a link to the song don't hesitate to ask!**

**It's shorter than the previous chapter, but I hope you won't mind...Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>I've Been So Alone, You See <strong>

Weeks had passed from the moment Derek left and time didn't seem to go by any longer. It was like a part of me was missing.

I walked aimlessly around the hospital late at night, even if I wasn't on call. I couldn't master to be home, in what was our bed, sleeping on his pillow without breaking down. I was in million pieces and one was currently in Afghanistan.

"Hey" Cristina's voice pulled me out of my misery, just for a moment.

"Hi" I whispered

"What are you doing here, are you on call?" she asked, almost concerned

"I had a patient to monitor, it's no big deal"

"How long have you been home in the past two weeks?"

"Cristina" I retorted, annoyed. I just wanted to be alone.

"Mer, I'm all for surgery, but this is not healthy" she shook her head

"I can't go home, okay?" I admitted, my voice raising a tone, then becoming a whisper again "Derek is everywhere at home and I just...I can't be there when he's not." I fought my tears, I had cried enough and I wasn't one to cry.

"Why don't we hit Joe's, have a few shots, you know, the usual" she suggested

"I met Derek at Joe's" _and I'm pregnant_. I dismissed, grabbing a chart from the nurses' desk and walking away. She followed me though.

"He's not dead Mer!" she exclaimed, frustrated.

"Yet" I mumbled to myself.

Cristina grabbed my forearm roughly and stopped me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed

"He can die every minute of the day!"

"Don't you think I didn't thought the same about Owen?" she looked at me straight in my eyes, her piercing stare burning away all my resolutions.

"I'm sorry" I whispered.

"It's going to be okay, Meredith. He'll be back in two months and you'll have lots of sex. Just snap out of it, please, it's not healthy"

"Yeah, you're right"

"Are you just saying it or you mean it?"

"I mean it. I need to be healthy"

"Everybody needs to" she frowned

"I'm pregnant" I mumbled, but Cristina understood perfectly. Her eyes widened slightly at my revelation.

"Congratulations?" she hesitated, her face drawing a small, sincere smile.

"Derek doesn't even know yet because I can't tell him that over the phone" I sighed "I'm a coward"

"He'll understand, hell he'll shout it from the rooftops as soon as he'll know!"

"I miss him"

Cristina brushed my arm lightly in comfort, looking at me with understanding eyes "This constitutes hugging" she pointed out and she was able to make me laugh.

"Thanks"

"Anytime, I have to look out for the first of the five chatty children" she winked, walking away and then I had no doubts who had gained the godmother's rights.

As soon as I got home, I found Derek's e-mail in my inbox and a smile appeared on my face.

_Dear Meredith,_

_I know it sounds cheesy to write that, I was going to start with 'Meredith, my love' but I could already see you trashing the mail, so I decided to start like this._

I chuckled at his antics, he could make me laugh only by writing something.

_Dear Meredith,_

_How are you doing? Life here is incredibly busy. I have worked for forty-eight hours straight and I can barely stand, but I needed to get this out of my chest. I see death every day and bombs and believe me I know I'll have nightmares every night for a while when I'll come home, but I'm glad I came out here because it made me a better doctor. I hate leaving you, but this had been a wonderful experience. _

I was worried about the nightmares and the fear of him getting hurt nagged at me every day, but knowing that he at least felt a real purpose doing so had been the best thing I could ask for.

_I missed having Amelia around too and after eight weeks, I wish I could get back to my Amy-less life for a while. She's frustrating, but I bet you could tell the same about me. She's also surprisingly good to be just a resident. Not good as you, but I'm biased here._

Thinking about Amelia made me smile, from what he had told me, she was a really great sister, even if a bit out of the conventional schemes. Even from talking about Amelia he could get very cheesy. I missed his boyish grin when he said things like that and I had to roll my eyes at him, keep him in line.

_I'm thinking about our wedding sometimes when I go to bed and I can't sleep. I can imagine you walking down the aisle in a white dress, more beautiful than ever before, a bouquet of flowers in your slender, shaky hands while you giggle. It's getting me through the darkness of death and I hope it would console you knowing that you are always in my head_.

A tear escaped my eyes and I needed to reread the passage to realized that I was imagining the same thing. My hand went to rub my stomach silently, then I continued reading.

_Amy, reading over my shoulder, says that I'm utterly corny, but she knows it's partially her fault, I lived with four girly sisters my whole life, I was bound to be corny at least through osmosis._

I couldn't even think how spoiled our baby will be if it turned out to be a girl. I didn't know what to expect, as long as the baby was healthy nothing more mattered.

_It feels a bit old fashioned talking to you through words and not the phone, but I guess I needed you to have something concrete to read when you miss me. I treasure all your e-mails and I hope I'll get a dirty one as soon as you want to send it to me, that will be surely treasured._

I could work on dirty e-mails, especially considering the raging hormones, except that it made me miss him even more, so I was going to try to avoid that little bit even if it brought another smile to my lips.

_I love you so much and I can't wait for you to be my wife. Life is not easy right now, but we'll get through everything together. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, I'll never stop loving you._

_Derek_

I'll never stop loving you either, especially after you gave me our child to take care of. I miss you so much.

I wished that just thinking things, he could probably hear me in the back of his head.

I marked the e-mail as unread, deciding to reply later, too many emotions running into my head to think clearly, then I fell asleep thinking of him once again, on his side of the bed, hugging his pillow that at this point smelled more like me than him.

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><p><strong>AN: Mer is in a dark place, I know, it will end happily, I promise. <strong>

**I wanted Mer to have a conversation with Cristina so she could give her some perspective in life, but at the end of the day, she's still going to miss Derek. I'm being a bit mean, I know, it just wrote that way. **

**Bear with me for one more chapter, I'll be good with them! **

**Thanks again for the feedback on this story, I had doubts readers would like this but as long as people read I'm happy!**


	3. What The Water Gave Me

**Last chapter.**

**I know many of you will protest, but this story was born in my spare time, something to take my mind off LADW or TY for a while and it worked, because it gave purpose to write more and even publish a new story. I might fill the blanks or add a sequel but at this point, you just need to wait. I won't promise it, I just might pick up the pieces. At some point there might be an epilogue or some sort but for me, this is finished.**

**What ****What The Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine transmitted to me the first time I listened to it is hard to put on words. It's the new single, the first our of the album that will come out in October. It's magical and can bring you somewhere else entirely than your seat or your couch. Just close your eyes while you listen to it. Okay, read the story first, then listen to the song or vice versa ;)**

**I wanted to than each and everyone of you who read this, who put it in the alerts, who favorited it, who reviewed. I was expecting a little more excitement over this, but I won't complain. It's a three-shot, a quick reading, it was bound to happen. You people make this whole world go on and I'm extremely grateful.**

**Enjoy this last bit then.**

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><p><strong>What The Water Gave Me<strong>

It was raining buckets, even if it was mid summer. The sky reflected my mood. I just had my second doctor's appointment in the morning and I missed Derek more than anything. I still haven't found the courage to tell him the good news so I kept telling him I had a surprise for him. I felt like a coward.

_Only three more weeks, then he will be here_.

I called two days ago and he told me that he was going to Kabul for a case. The situation was bad, but he needed to go there to save a kid and a soldier wounded by the explosion of a bomb. He always said that things were worse in Kabul, but I tried to skip on that little detail, hanging on the fact that in three more weeks I was going to see him again.

I switched on the news and I saw that there had been an attack in Kabul and a team of American doctors had been badly wounded right this morning, one of them didn't make it. They were going back to Kandahar.

My heart sank low in my stomach and for a moment, everything remained still and I breathed in slow motion. _He promised he'd live, but he couldn't prevent attacks, could he?_ Kabul was dangerous, he always said that.

And now he was probably dead.

The first batch of tears began flowing immediately down my cheeks, my hand reaching to rub my slightly rounder abdomen, the only thing I had left of Derek, probably.

The baby was perfect and still, I couldn't imagine never sharing all the things that were swirling in my head with Derek anymore. I'd probably never hear his voice again and that simple thought was unbearable.

I stood up quickly and, fighting my dizziness, I went to the phone and dialed the already familiar number.

The afghan receptionist had a better accent after two months, but nothing sounded comforting in his voice anymore, even if calm and just slightly tired.

"Kandahar Red Cross Clinic" he was able to say in a perfect English and I wondered if Derek helped him out with the language as well. He'd be someone that would do that. _God, Derek..._

"Hey Abdul, I'm looking for Derek, it's Meredith" I choked a sob "I know he was in Kabul in the past two days"

"They are still there" he replied calmly and I felt another piece of my heart shattering.

"I heard there was an attack" I whispered

"We don't have news, sorry. Lines are bad and bombs messed things up. I'm sorry"

"Is Amelia with him?" I asked, hearing his sister's voice the only comforting thought right at the moment.

"She's here, do you want to talk to her?"

"Please"

"I'll tell him to call you as soon as he'll get back" he added then. We almost became friends after all the calls I had made and all the small talks we made while I waited for Derek to come to the phone. __What if he'll never answer the phone again?__

"Thank you Abdul"

"Bye Meredith"

The usual shuffling followed the silence and then Amelia's voice greeted me.

"Hey Mer" she didn't sound like Derek was dead. At all.

"Where's you brother Amy?"

"Kabul?" she asked tentatively

"There had been an attack, a team of American doctors was caught up in the mess. Please, tell me you know where your brother is" I pleaded, fighting back fresh tears.

"God, Meredith, I didn't know about the attack, here all the main communication lines with Kabul had been cut by the Taliban" she seemed really concerned and my fear grew more and more.

"Tell him to call as soon as he gets back, okay. Day or night, doesn't matter" I ordered

"I will. I'm sure he's fine, Mer"

"I need him to be okay, it's...he has to be okay" I began sobbing "I kept telling him...and now I never told him...and this morning, God...he might be dead and..." I rambled, unable to form a coherent sentence and breaking down over the phone

"Meredith, take a deep breath and explain things, okay? Slowly, one at a time" she coached gently

"Okay" I sighed "But you don't have to tell him anything"

"Pinky promise. It's still counts over the phone, right?" she lightened up my mood just a little. She was good at it.

"I'm pregnant Amy." I took a breath "And it's amazing, the baby is doing great and today I heard the heartbeat and I saw the tiny fists. Derek needs to be alive, okay?"

"You're pregnant?" she asked in disbelief "And he doesn't know?"

"I couldn't tell him over the phone. I wanted to wait for him to be home but now..."

"You'll tell him in three weeks Meredith" she said firmly and I wanted to believe her

"I can't do this without him" I began sobbing again.

"Meredith, listen to me, he's not dead for sure. Hell, I can't think about my big brother being dead, okay? He'll be here tomorrow at the most and he'll call you" she said convincingly, her voice unwavering.

"Okay"

"Will you send me the ultrasound pictures, please? I still can't believe that Derek is going to be a father" she asked and I could see the smile on her face.

"I need him to be okay, Amy"

"I know, Mer. We all do"

My doorbell rang and for a second I wondered who was at the door, probably someone else who watched the news tonight. A new batch of tears streamed down my face.

"Wait a sec" I told Amy "I need to see who's at the door"

I took the cordless with me and as soon as I opened the door I almost dropped it on the floor.

"D...Derek?" I babbled as soon as a tall, dark-haired figure showed up on my porch. It was unmistakeably him.

I remained there a little bit awestruck by his presence on my porch, still wrapping my mind around the idea that he was there, alive an well and not somewhere in Afghanistan dead. His eyes locked with mine and he managed a full fledged smile, one of the ones that gave him the nickname McDreamy for a reason.

"I gotta go Amy, Derek's here" I babbled, like he'd never left, before I could end the conversation quickly and throw my arms at his neck, still not fully believing that he was there. It was probably just the last dream and in a moment I will wake up and everything will be gone and he'll still be in Kandahar.

Except that he wasn't a dream, he was there in flesh and blood, standing on my doorstep, wet till the bone, his stubble longer than usual, just like his hair. He still looked amazing and a little bit tanned as well. He smelled like aftershave, desert and rain all in the same inch and it felt amazing to hold him so close.

"Hi" he whispered in my ear and I began sobbing loudly in his arms, clutching to his sweater tightly than ever.

"Hey, hey, hey Mer, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, I'm home" he soothed, hugging me back as tightly as I remembered, yet my barely noticeable baby bump fit perfectly between us. I breathed in his scent, I enjoyed the feeling of his arms around me once more, before I pulled him in for a fierce kiss.

Nothing had changed, except that almost three months apart made the kiss feel perfect. He was home, safe and sound.

"Derek" I whispered, unable to say anything more between the whimpers.

"What is it?" he whispered softly, his wide smile never faltering.

"I missed you so much" I chocked on my words and he squeezed me a bit tighter.

"I missed you too. You still want to marry me, even if I disappeared, right?" he lightened up the mood remarkably and I was able to giggle between my tears

"More than anything" I admitted, no doubt in my answer as soon as he pulled me closer to his chest again. "I love you so much"

"I love you too" he replied before his lips were on mine again for a long, soft kiss.

When I pulled away from his arms I realized that we were still on the doorstep and I still had the phone in my hands. I smiled and I let him in, closing the door after he brought in his suitcase and backpack.

"You came home early" I stated the obvious, still needing further proof of his presence there

"I couldn't stay there any longer. Were you talking to Amy over the phone?" he smirked

"Yeah, she'd probably think I'm crazy or something" he chuckled and kissed me again, quick and gentle

"Why? I mean, we hear from you more than from Mom" he mocked

"I heard the news about an attack in Kabul with doctors involved and I flipped. I called her and cried, a lot, then I just hung up when you showed up, it's not really something you do after you cry that much, I mean, she'll think I'm seeing you here because I thought you were dead, so I was probably seeing you ghost or something" I replied, all in one breath.

"Meredith" his wide smile stopped me before I could add anything more incomprehensible

"Sorry" I mumbled

"You thought I was dead?" he asked concerned then, his hand sneaking around my waist and pulling me in for an hug. He always caught the parts of my rambling that I wish he'd miss.

I nodded into his chest "I just wanted to know why you weren't there yet"

"I went to Kabul to go home, I heard that a plane was leaving for New York and then I took a plane to Seattle" he sighed "I saw my mother briefly when I waited for the next plane and she told me you had been calling her regularly" he smirked

"Yeah, she's very nice, she stayed here for a while after you left and I guess she likes me" I was still surprised by the way she warmed up to me so easily.

I called her since I found out about the baby because I really needed someone to freak out to and she seemed the first and most reliable option in my book.

"Oh, she absolutely adores you. I'm quoting her, believe me" It was my turn to giggle "She mentioned a surprise too, when I will be home, so it must be seriously big" he smiled widely again, disguising the fact that he was trying to subtly get hints.

"It's huge" I whispered, nuzzling in his chest again and imagining for a moment what his face would be like when I'll tell him the amazing news.

"Do you want to give it to me?" he grinned, clearly impatient

"In a minute" I breathed him in once, twice, letting his smell soothe me. He was there, alive, breathing, perfectly fine, even tanner and hotter than I had left him. On the hotter I bet that hormones had to do with my new perception of him anyway.

"I love you" he whispered in my ear and it felt so good to finally feel his breath on my skin when he said those three words in my ear.

"I'm pregnant" I mumbled in his chest and I felt him stiffen immediately. He pulled away from me and stared deeply in my eyes, looking for a confirmation of my words. I simply smiled and he grinned back, his whole face lightening up, the corner of his lips slowly, painfully slowly, curling up in one of his best smiles.

"You're pregnant?" he asked back, needing to confirm my words. I nodded and he just kissed me passionately, then he pulled me in his arms and held me tightly.

"I hope you like the surprise" I mumbled in his ear and I felt the corner of his lips curl up even more.

He pulled away again and knelt at my feet, lifting up my ratty t-shirt and exposing my slightly rounder belly. He traced it with his rough but delicate fingers, a wide smile plastering his features and his eyes screaming his happiness, then he placed a soft, lingering kiss right above my navel, where the swelling was slightly more pronounced.

"It's the best surprise ever"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is it. <strong>

**I'll leave the wedding, the baby, the whole conversation after this, Amelia, the nightmares for another story. It's like a snack for your boring afternoons, okay? If you want more, just say the word, but I warn you, it might take a long while.**

**Once again, thank you for reading this, even if I wrapped this up in like a week, I still hope you enjoyed this. **

**Derek is home.**


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